Fear of Commitment?

Maybe you’re thinking ‘man with cold feet’. I could only wish. If it were, at this stage in my life, I’d be able to recognize that as something I don’t need and move on. As it is, my husband is the most committed person I’ve ever known, so… you guessed it… it’s me.

I seem to be having trouble committing to anything. Maybe I’ve been out of the loop too long. I’ve been a stay at home mom for the last five and a half years. I have plenty of responsibility, but somehow, now that some of it has been freed up (my youngest has now entered the annals of education), I can’t seem to make decisions regarding whatever God might want me to do with my life. I haven’t turned anything down, but I’ve had some ideas that I haven’t taken action on. Part of me (the insecure part) wonders if this is some kind of weakness. The other (more prideful) part of me says ‘No way, I’ve committed to plenty of things… I’m just waiting for the right one.’ Then, the good part of me (guess who) says ‘just be’.

I thought that by now I’d be involved in full time ministry. I’ve prayed for years and I had great dreams and expectations (oops), but it turns out that God has other plans. Part of me (the fear of commitment part) wonders if he only wanted me to help get something started and that I should now move on to whatever he has next. The other (more stubborn) part of me believes that I was called to this and nothing and no one is going to run me away from it. Then, the better part of me (yep, him again) tells me to wait and he will guide me either way. I’m not good at waiting.

Sometimes I wonder if that guy in the red suit with a pitchfork (oh wait… that’s not what he looks like at all is it?) is running around orchestrating others’ weaknesses, problems, and such to work right in with my own to cause delays. Can he use people’s inability to communicate and or listen to create giant misunderstanding? Does he take another person’s insecurity and use it to feed my own? Does he arrange for our natural territorial instincts to spill over into areas where they don’t belong? (I can just hear an evil little laugh as he goes about his work.) Man, I sure would love to be able to blame it all on someone.

Since I’ve had plenty of time to think about it, I’ve come to the conclusion that fear of commitment may be a part of my problem. In the past when problems have come up my answer has been ‘well, I guess this is not the ministry I belong in.’ At first, I thought there were good reasons for it... different ideas or theology, lack of biblical focus, etc.

As I’ve matured (slightly), I’ve realized that these problems can be overcome. I've also learned that when the same type of difficulty occurs in different places with different people, I must have at least some part in it… usually a big part. In spite of this understanding, this one has been perplexing. I persistently search my heart and motives and ask God to do the same and I continue to come up blank. This is one of the most difficult situations I’ve been in that seems to have no reason to be difficult at all. Although I’ve been hurt I choose to forgive, I don’t seem to be able to get out of the self-protective mode I am in. I want to trust, but I don’t feel safe even when I think I should. Part of me (the insecure part) thinks it’s all me and I need to force myself to do what I don’t feel comfortable doing. Every time I try, it doesn’t happen… I don’t think you can force something like that. Even though I’m willing, it’s doesn’t seem to be happening. Part of me (the more prideful part) wonders if there is a good reason for it, maybe I really do need to protect myself. Then, the best part of me (yep, him again) tells me to be committed… committed to him and he will guide me. There’s no fear in that commitment.

Psalm 37:5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: 6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

A Hobby or Something More

My husband has had many hobbies. He switches them often and I kid him that he changes hobbies like a woman changes her purse. Whatever the current pursuit is, he sets out to learn everything he can about it. It seems that when he has learned as much as he can and it ceases to be a challenge for him, or it becomes too expensive, dangerous, or both, he moves on to something else. Golf, woodworking, home improvement, sport bikes, quads, go-carts, dirt bikes have all gone by the wayside. He’ll pick them back up occasionally, but never again like when he first got interested in any particular hobby.

A few years ago he picked up a guitar. Playing it has become much more than a hobby. He loves it. I don’t think it will ever cease to challenge him. He studied and learned so much and even built two of his own guitars. He has tried to explain it all to me… fret boards, intonation, chords, harmonics, scales, etc. but I just don’t get it. I know what those things are, but I don’t know how to use the information to do what I would love to do.

I love music. I would love to be able to play guitar. There is a deep rooted desire in my heart to do that and it’s been there since I was a child. For some reason, I won’t do what it takes to learn about what I’d really love to know. I kind of get it, but I will never understand music like Joe does because first, he was determined to learn all he could and then, when he began to understand, he set aside time to practice daily whenever possible so he could get better at it.

It’s kind of like this with God. I think we all have that deep rooted desire in our soul, first to know if he is real and if he is, to actually get to know him… but we don’t do anything about it. We may wonder about him, talk about him and maybe even learn a little, but until we have a serious commitment to finding out and then setting aside time to ‘practice’ daily, we will never know Him like we could. It’s troubling that we can do that with what is actually the most important thing we will ever need to know.

One thing we can be certain of… when we begin to do something about this desire, we will never cease to be amazed. God is deeper and wider than any earthly thing we can imagine. We will be rewarded in ways we never dreamed of and seeking him will bring satisfaction that can never be found in any other endeavor.

1 Corinthians 2:9 However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him"— 10 but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit.

Ephesians 3:16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Election

This election proves that the racial barriers are coming down in this country, and for that I am so very thankful. Please pray for and support our new President.

Phillipians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Romans 13:1 Everyone must submit to governing authorities. For all authority comes from God, and those in positions of authority have been placed there by God.

1 Timothy 2:1 I urge you, first of all, to pray for all people. Ask God to help them; intercede on their behalf, and give thanks for them. 2 Pray this way for kings and all who are in authority so that we can live peaceful and quiet lives marked by godliness and dignity.

If you miss the boat, it just might be the wrong boat…

The other day, I got a call from a friend that I hadn't seen for a while. She told me she had some things she wanted to talk to me about. We were tentatively planning to have lunch together the next day. That morning, I started working on cleaning the garage. When she called, I was in a precarious position hanging somewhere above the weight bench trying to reach some stuff for donating that was stuffed behind it. The phone doesn't work in the garage, so I told the kids to tell her I'd call her back… and promptly forgot all about it. I didn't remember until later that afternoon when the phone rang and it was her. It was too late by then because she had some other things she had to do. I apologized and we talked about getting together on Thursday.

After we hung up, I set about lambasting myself for not dropping everything and going. To make matters worse, lately, I've been pretty good about remembering that I need to see interruptions as opportunities and this felt like a setback. I was also moaning and groaning in frustration over forgetting important things like that (which I seem to do often). I even worried a little that she may have really needed to talk to me and that I had failed her. I mentioned it during Bible study that evening saying I probably missed an opportunity that God had given me… and then I forgot about it (I told you I do it often).

Thursday rolled around and my friend called. She had already eaten dinner, so we decided to just go for coffee. She picked me up and as we were debating on where to go, I asked her how her cousin (who has been through the wringer lately) was doing. She said it had been really rough and that maybe we should go and see her. We picked up three coffees and drove to her place. We spent the whole evening talking, listening and praying with her. Later, as she prayed, she thanked God for our friendship and that we had come.

Sometimes, even when I think I've messed everything up, I am exactly where God wants me to be. If I hadn't missed the lunch date earlier in the week, I'm sure we would not have been where we were needed more that night. It made me realize how many times I forget that it doesn't all depend on me and it made me grateful that when I ask and desire to be and do what God wants, he will help me.

Psalm 31:3 Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me.