Have you ever heard the voice of God? At first, I had no idea what people were talking about when they said things like “God told me __________ (fill in the blank).” As a matter of fact, I thought they were kind of freaky. So far, I have never literally heard the voice of God. I’ve had no omens, no signs, no big booming voice from above that makes things perfectly clear for me.
In the beginning, I had no idea even how to pray. I would try, but my mind would take off like a runaway train… and that’s not even accurate unless you unhooked each car and sent it down a different track. My attempts to communicate with God were frustrating. I would start out and within moments, I was thinking about what I was going to eat, a bill I needed to pay, laundry that needed to be done, the mold growing on the window sill, or whatever. I spent more time shooting up quick apologies and trying to get myself back on track than I spent praying. It was ridiculous. To tell the truth, I still have trouble with it.
Listening to God was even worse. We’re talking dead silence. I’m not sure what I was expecting, but I couldn’t hear a thing. When I was praying, I would try to be quiet which was nearly impossible. I wouldn’t be saying a word, but my thoughts were out of control… kind of like when I was trying to pray.
I’m thankful for churches and Bible studies, because I learned a lot, and change began in my heart and mind that can only be explained by hearing God’s word. I say this because I was a very stubborn human being and no one could pressure, guilt, coerce or intimidate me into anything. The harder they would try, the more stubborn I would become. I heard preachers who used those techniques in my earliest days and never went back. When I finally found good churches that taught out of the Bible, weird things began to happen to me… things that I thought would never happen.
For example: I started to feel uncomfortable in a bar. If you know me, you also know that I was raised in and around a bar, bars were my main form of entertainment, and I made my living in one for many years. Feeling uncomfortable in one was not something I planned. It just happened… I started to feel like I didn’t belong there. I could go on and on with my list of things that God weeded out of my life, and I know in a way, he was speaking to me, but I really wanted something more… something that other people seemed to have… those freaky people who said things like ‘God spoke to me.’
Like everything else related to God, I seem to be a slow learner. After several years, I learned a way to pray that seemed to work. I would write out my prayers with pen and paper, and somehow, this simple act kept me focused and able to complete thoughts without interruption. I’ve also typed my prayers on the computer, but the pen and paper seems to work best. I’ve gotten better at praying, but sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be able to ‘pray right’ (if there is such a thing). These days, my communication with God is a weird assortment of approaches, and I realize that I don’t have to be rigid about it… I just need to do it.
Hearing from God was different. When God ‘speaks’ to me, it usually comes to me as an idea… an idea that I am pretty sure did not come from me… like in my last story ‘Stranger than Fiction’. I’m pretty sure giving some stuff that I really wanted, back to someone who didn’t deserve it wasn’t my idea. No.... I have to confess that I am not that sweet, kind, forgiving, unselfish person. The real me wanted to ignore that crazy little idea, keep the loot and run. There are probably more times that I have ignored the ‘Voice of God’ than not. It seems like the more I am around the people, places and word of God, the better I can ‘hear’ him and the more likely I am to listen.
Another thing that freaked me out were people who would talk about Jesus in an almost gushy way… acting (or so I thought) like they had some kind of intimate, loving relationship with him. I thought maybe they were needy and talking about Jesus like that helped them deal with some sort of emotional or psychological trauma. I would kind of roll my eyes and think something like “Fruitcake!” I told you I wasn’t sweet and kind.
For several years everything I knew about God was head knowledge. I went to church weekly and attended many Bible studies. I knew a lot ABOUT God, but I didn’t KNOW God. As I’ve come along the way, crawling, walking, stumbling, falling flat on my face… moving a few steps forward and back, I’ve also become one of those ‘Fruitcakes’. It didn’t happen overnight, but Jesus has made himself real to me in so many ways and brought me through so much trouble, that I can speak of him as if I know him personally… because I do. If you don’t know him that way yet, hang in there… he promises… if you seek you will find… if you knock, the door will be opened.
Some people use the phrase “the blood of Jesus”… and, oh my… the image that used to pop into my head when I heard that phrase was from an old Stephen King horror movie about a high school prank at a prom… terrible. I thought it was creepy and felt very uncomfortable with it even for several years after I started going to church on a regular basis. It wasn’t until a patient, loving woman explained to me that it is the blood that makes all this possible. Without the blood of Jesus we have no friendship with God. I felt better about it but it was several more years before the ‘blood of Jesus’ made sense to me.
I’m always asking why, and God is patient and tolerant. I want to understand and I think about things a lot and I pray and ask God to help me when I don’t. In the last year or so, it occurred to me that we humans are always demanding justice… especially when the wrong has been done to us or someone we love. We want justice, justice, justice… unless it applies to us… then we want mercy, mercy, mercy. We can’t have it both ways. God cannot be good and loving and right and not demand a penalty for evil, hatred and wrong. He cannot be just without justice. Thankfully, he did not draw some kind of crooked line in the sand so that you and I may fall on one side or the other. He gave an ultimatum… all have sinned… a little or a lot… it doesn’t matter. Then he made provision for us because of his love for us. Here it is… your free gift of forgiveness… someone had to pay… and he gave his Son… if you accept the gift, you are forgiven… if not, you stand condemned already. What could be more simple and logical? What could be more just and merciful? Could you come up with a better solution?
Sometimes the things of God seem like hocus pocus, but the truth is simple and powerful.
16"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. 18Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Stranger than Fiction
Alex and I went to Hobby Lobby a few weeks ago. We had one of the strangest experiences I think I’ve ever had. I was looking for a ball to sit on an old iron candle stick I had out in the garden. We started in the clearance section because everything was 80% off. As we were browsing we found a few things that we liked and put them in the cart. When I shop at Hobby Lobby, I always put what I like in the cart and then at the end I usually have to go through and decide what I really need or want so I don’t spend too much money. I hadn’t been there in a while, and it is so much fun to go with Alex because we have a blast making fun and cracking jokes about some of the weird stuff we find. We tease each other and say ‘You REALLY need this’ about something totally outrageous, pose with objects, put on masks or whatever. They have some really strange stuff.
There were a lot of aisles on clearance… we must have arrived soon after they lowered the price to 80%. We found an awesome bowl that I actually wanted to buy when it was 50% off, but didn’t. The original price was $49.99 making it now $9.99. I put it in the cart and then saw a plate that I liked that was even less. As we were walking away I had the plate in my hand and a woman came up behind us and said in a very nasty tone ‘That’s mine.’ I said ‘Pardon me?’ and she said ‘this is my set… my cart was here’. There was no cart in sight. The aisle was completely empty the entire time we were there. I told her I got it off the shelf and she turned away and screamed ‘Mom!’ We went around the corner, but we could hear her frantically telling her mother how we had taken part of her set. She was so upset that I walked back around the corner and gave her the plate. She took it and didn’t even say thank you.
I went back around the corner and then we heard her scream out ‘Oh my God! Did she take that too?!!’ Then she came around the corner and looked in our cart at the bowl I had in the cart and went away babbling something like ‘I can’t believe it… she took that too.’ Then she came back with the plate and said ‘I don’t want this! I want that!’ She didn’t even give us a chance to respond, but walked back to her mom yelling ‘I can’t believe it!’ over and over.
By this time I was beginning to get angry and I had to walk away. I thought that I should have never given her the plate and I sure as heck wasn’t going to give her the bowl. As I was walking away, a thought occurred to me: All of a sudden, it was like God was reminding me that this was only a material thing and in the grand scheme of things, it didn’t matter one little bit. I picked up the bowl and went to give it back to her. She was still ranting and pacing up and down the aisle while her mother was standing there like she didn’t know what to do. I handed her mom the bowl and told her that I’m giving it back to her because of Jesus. She looked at me and said very enthusiastically ‘YEAH!’ and that was all. I walked away.
I felt kind of sick inside and so did Alex. We were so distracted by what just happened that we couldn’t really concentrate on what we were looking for. Alex was very upset at the woman’s unreasonable behavior. We got far away from them and rehashed the whole thing and had a good laugh about it. We prayed a quick prayer for her. That and the laugh made us both feel better. I told Alex that if she had calmly come to me and explained what had happened, that I probably wouldn’t have even hesitated to give her the things she said she had picked out. Her manner was rude and she seemed like a spoiled little brat who always got her way. Her calling out to her mom like she would fix it for her only enforced that feeling. She didn’t deserve to have the items… at all. The only way I could rectify the whole thing in my mind is to remember what I have that I don’t deserve… which is everything.
I made enough bad decisions when I was younger to have lost my freedom, health, sanity, children, family and even my life. I don’t know why I didn’t get what I deserved. Instead, I got (and continue to get) the mercy and love of a God who cares more for me than I can even imagine and who has used every terrible thing in my life for my good. I get peace, joy and hope in a world that can seem pretty hopeless at times. I get the opportunity to share that hope with my family and friends and even get to see some of them come to know the pure good that comes from knowing God through Jesus Christ. I get to watch my children survive terrible things that happen to them when all I can do is pray for them. I hear of desperate acts all around me… crimes and even suicides committed by those who have no hope and I can pray for those affected and thank God that I know what true hope is.
We left the incident behind and continued shopping. I didn’t get the bowl or the plate but I did get a reminder… a reminder to have grace for others because of the endless mercy and grace given to me. I wish I could remember that all the time.
John 1:16 And from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.
There were a lot of aisles on clearance… we must have arrived soon after they lowered the price to 80%. We found an awesome bowl that I actually wanted to buy when it was 50% off, but didn’t. The original price was $49.99 making it now $9.99. I put it in the cart and then saw a plate that I liked that was even less. As we were walking away I had the plate in my hand and a woman came up behind us and said in a very nasty tone ‘That’s mine.’ I said ‘Pardon me?’ and she said ‘this is my set… my cart was here’. There was no cart in sight. The aisle was completely empty the entire time we were there. I told her I got it off the shelf and she turned away and screamed ‘Mom!’ We went around the corner, but we could hear her frantically telling her mother how we had taken part of her set. She was so upset that I walked back around the corner and gave her the plate. She took it and didn’t even say thank you.
I went back around the corner and then we heard her scream out ‘Oh my God! Did she take that too?!!’ Then she came around the corner and looked in our cart at the bowl I had in the cart and went away babbling something like ‘I can’t believe it… she took that too.’ Then she came back with the plate and said ‘I don’t want this! I want that!’ She didn’t even give us a chance to respond, but walked back to her mom yelling ‘I can’t believe it!’ over and over.
By this time I was beginning to get angry and I had to walk away. I thought that I should have never given her the plate and I sure as heck wasn’t going to give her the bowl. As I was walking away, a thought occurred to me: All of a sudden, it was like God was reminding me that this was only a material thing and in the grand scheme of things, it didn’t matter one little bit. I picked up the bowl and went to give it back to her. She was still ranting and pacing up and down the aisle while her mother was standing there like she didn’t know what to do. I handed her mom the bowl and told her that I’m giving it back to her because of Jesus. She looked at me and said very enthusiastically ‘YEAH!’ and that was all. I walked away.
I felt kind of sick inside and so did Alex. We were so distracted by what just happened that we couldn’t really concentrate on what we were looking for. Alex was very upset at the woman’s unreasonable behavior. We got far away from them and rehashed the whole thing and had a good laugh about it. We prayed a quick prayer for her. That and the laugh made us both feel better. I told Alex that if she had calmly come to me and explained what had happened, that I probably wouldn’t have even hesitated to give her the things she said she had picked out. Her manner was rude and she seemed like a spoiled little brat who always got her way. Her calling out to her mom like she would fix it for her only enforced that feeling. She didn’t deserve to have the items… at all. The only way I could rectify the whole thing in my mind is to remember what I have that I don’t deserve… which is everything.
I made enough bad decisions when I was younger to have lost my freedom, health, sanity, children, family and even my life. I don’t know why I didn’t get what I deserved. Instead, I got (and continue to get) the mercy and love of a God who cares more for me than I can even imagine and who has used every terrible thing in my life for my good. I get peace, joy and hope in a world that can seem pretty hopeless at times. I get the opportunity to share that hope with my family and friends and even get to see some of them come to know the pure good that comes from knowing God through Jesus Christ. I get to watch my children survive terrible things that happen to them when all I can do is pray for them. I hear of desperate acts all around me… crimes and even suicides committed by those who have no hope and I can pray for those affected and thank God that I know what true hope is.
We left the incident behind and continued shopping. I didn’t get the bowl or the plate but I did get a reminder… a reminder to have grace for others because of the endless mercy and grace given to me. I wish I could remember that all the time.
John 1:16 And from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.
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