Seesaw

Up
Down
Up
Down

The thrill in my stomach as I leave the ground
The drop in my heart as I plummet down

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Down
Up
Down

The excitement and adventure of a new love found
The pain and the grief when it ends where it was bound

Up
Down
Up
Down

Get off this ride and leave the park
Or keep on riding until it's dark?

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Are the highs truly worth it? All this pain...
In the end, in reality, what have I gained?

A Kinder, Gentler Letter to a Friend

I just want to write to tell you that I love you. I love your honesty. Your heart is not hard and cold like so many who have been hurt and I am thankful for that.

Someone hurt me the other day. After my initial feelings including shock, revulsion, anger, grief, etc., I realized that my situation hadn't changed. All those feelings had been lurking beneath the surface all along. This wound only made an opening for them to come out. Their coming out seems to be a necessary part of my healing process. I cannot continue to harbor those negative feelings if I truly choose to forgive. I may not be able to get rid of grief, but anger and revulsion have no place in a heart of forgiveness. I need so much help to do what I want to do. I want to forgive because I have been forgiven so much. I want to love because I am so loved. I want to truly wish the best for those that have hurt me.

I am convinced that we are all capable of being heartless and cruel. The Spirit of God that is in us or alongside us, even when we don't believe is the only thing that keeps us from degenerating into something horrible… without feeling or remorse. I'm thankful that you listen to the Spirit of God that keeps you from becoming hard and cold because of the way people treat you. I hope you are always able to do that.

It hit me really hard how blessed I am to be surrounded by people who love me and are not always hurting me. It occurred to me that most of my life was lived thinking being treated like that was normal and now, it is so abnormal that it puts me in a state of shock when it happens. Jesus opened my eyes so I could see all the warning signs of the people I shouldn't be intimately involved with, and only he gave me the strength and wisdom to stay out of those relationships and to keep necessary boundaries when I had no choice but to be in those relationships. My life is so much better for it.

There are no easy answers. People suck. God is good and only he can make us into the men and women we were meant to be. Unfortunately, it's not usually an instant fix. We still struggle along, being slowly changed by relying on and being loved by him in spite of ourselves. As we do, we learn about grace and mercy and are more able to extend it to others because it has been given to us. The world is still a hard, cold place, but we learn to live in it with an unshakeable joy and peace in our hearts. That is the blessing… more than finances, relationships, etc… that is the blessing that really matters.

Things are not always as they seem

Most of the time, what appears to be someone striking out to try to hurt me is actually a cry for help. I know this, and yet sometimes I forget. I worry about my own pain and the feelings I am having and forget all about what might be going on with the other person. Now that I know there is more to the story, I want to help, but I doubt that an offer would be received... I want to help, but I'm not sure if my help is what is really needed. I can only pray that whatever is going on, God will protect the innocent ones and help those who need it in the way they need it. If I'm a part of that, I'm sure he'll show me.

Mirror Mirror

Look around
Don’t look in
Don’t want to see
My own sin

Compared to others
I can always find
Someone worse
Set up in my mind

Look around
Don’t look at me
In that mirror
I might see

The truth
Exposed
When all along
I supposed

I’m okay
Because you’re not
A false impression
Is all I’ve got

A prayer for stone cold hearts

The longer and further we walk
Away from God
And all that is pure and good and right
The colder our heart becomes

But it’s never too late
To turn around and walk
Or even run
The other direction

To be welcomed
With arms wide open
Into the loving warmth
That patiently waits

Love that chisels away
At a heart of stone
Carving it into
What it was meant to be

It is my prayer
For stone cold hearts
Projecting pain
Onto those who try to love them

To turn and walk
No… run
Into those waiting arms
Of love

The Monster

The monster is hiding
Waiting to come out
He wants to eat
I will not feed him
Perhaps I will be able
To starve him out

When I least expect it
There he is
Someone is feeding the monster
He is getting stronger
I can take this food from him
Keep him from gaining power

It’s there
Right in front of him
And me
I should throw it away
Down the drain
Never to be fed upon

But sometimes
I leave it there
Just in case
I get hungry too
Bad food
Toxic, poisonous

Get rid of it
And him

He’s been with me for so long
Once I thought he was gone
And then
Vigilance waned
Does he come back
stronger than before?

No
Only his absence
Makes it seem that way
I will keep better watch
This time
My gatekeeper will help

Together
We can defeat him
He shall not come out
And live in comfort
No
He shall not be comfortable at all

The Masquerade

Evil masquerades
Behind a pretty face
Cold snake coiled
Waiting to strike
Watches intended victim
With evil intent
Vulnerability induced
Deceived, seduced

Victim falls
Bite not lethal
Intense unremitting pain
Wounded lives another day
Hope tucked away
Determined to move on
Confront reality
Dismiss uncertainty

Reject temptation
To retaliate
What motivation
Does it bring joy?
So many questions
Answers elude
Thoughts roam
Motive unknown

Let go
Press on
Resolve to trust again
Join the masquerade
Concealed for a while
In anticipation of
Forgiveness healing
Love prevailing