Masks

Throughout my life, I've worn many masks. Here are a few that I could identify. I'm sure I've worn more, but these are the ones that come to mind.

Mystery: When I was younger… I didn't know much. For a very short time, I sort of realized it and somehow knew that it would be better to keep quiet. Then, at least people might wonder, instead of opening my mouth and removing all doubt. I wish I would have kept this mask on a lot longer. It would be useful, even today.

Happy Face: As life progressed and I experienced more and more pain, betrayal, rejection and abandonment, I put on the Happy Face. I had a killer smile that could cover up all the turmoil inside. I laughed and acted so carefree that few knew how messed up I was. I surrounded myself in a whirlwind of entertaining people and activities to help keep this Mask on as long as I could.

Martyr: During both the Happy Face and the next Tough Cynic phase, there were times when I was so wounded that I couldn't keep those masks intact so I put on the Martyr. Although I was as much a part of my problems as anyone, I would focus on others failures and play the Martyr. It was easy to justify it with all the dysfunction I placed myself in the middle of and I played it well… not too pathetic and helpless, but definitely appealing to the sympathy of those around me and justifying everything in my own mind. Maybe if I weren't so good at it, I would have gotten what I really needed… for someone to let me know without a doubt that my own choices were the cause of almost all of my problems.

Tough Cynic: It became more and more difficult to pretend. I could only escape into the Martyr for short periods and the Happy Face was cracking. I began to expect the worst in everything. I gave up hope, trust, and anything else that required me to put myself in the path of more emotional harm. To make it appear that this was not as devastating as it truly is, I covered with sarcastic humor and a toughness that came naturally, out of necessity for survival.

Today I rarely wear a mask. I'm sure that I fall back behind them momentarily, but I don't stay there too long. I'm glad they finally became old, worn out and practically useless which led me to being fully covered and redeemed by the grace that I needed all along.