Fear of Commitment?

Maybe you’re thinking ‘man with cold feet’. I could only wish. If it were, at this stage in my life, I’d be able to recognize that as something I don’t need and move on. As it is, my husband is the most committed person I’ve ever known, so… you guessed it… it’s me.

I seem to be having trouble committing to anything. Maybe I’ve been out of the loop too long. I’ve been a stay at home mom for the last five and a half years. I have plenty of responsibility, but somehow, now that some of it has been freed up (my youngest has now entered the annals of education), I can’t seem to make decisions regarding whatever God might want me to do with my life. I haven’t turned anything down, but I’ve had some ideas that I haven’t taken action on. Part of me (the insecure part) wonders if this is some kind of weakness. The other (more prideful) part of me says ‘No way, I’ve committed to plenty of things… I’m just waiting for the right one.’ Then, the good part of me (guess who) says ‘just be’.

I thought that by now I’d be involved in full time ministry. I’ve prayed for years and I had great dreams and expectations (oops), but it turns out that God has other plans. Part of me (the fear of commitment part) wonders if he only wanted me to help get something started and that I should now move on to whatever he has next. The other (more stubborn) part of me believes that I was called to this and nothing and no one is going to run me away from it. Then, the better part of me (yep, him again) tells me to wait and he will guide me either way. I’m not good at waiting.

Sometimes I wonder if that guy in the red suit with a pitchfork (oh wait… that’s not what he looks like at all is it?) is running around orchestrating others’ weaknesses, problems, and such to work right in with my own to cause delays. Can he use people’s inability to communicate and or listen to create giant misunderstanding? Does he take another person’s insecurity and use it to feed my own? Does he arrange for our natural territorial instincts to spill over into areas where they don’t belong? (I can just hear an evil little laugh as he goes about his work.) Man, I sure would love to be able to blame it all on someone.

Since I’ve had plenty of time to think about it, I’ve come to the conclusion that fear of commitment may be a part of my problem. In the past when problems have come up my answer has been ‘well, I guess this is not the ministry I belong in.’ At first, I thought there were good reasons for it... different ideas or theology, lack of biblical focus, etc.

As I’ve matured (slightly), I’ve realized that these problems can be overcome. I've also learned that when the same type of difficulty occurs in different places with different people, I must have at least some part in it… usually a big part. In spite of this understanding, this one has been perplexing. I persistently search my heart and motives and ask God to do the same and I continue to come up blank. This is one of the most difficult situations I’ve been in that seems to have no reason to be difficult at all. Although I’ve been hurt I choose to forgive, I don’t seem to be able to get out of the self-protective mode I am in. I want to trust, but I don’t feel safe even when I think I should. Part of me (the insecure part) thinks it’s all me and I need to force myself to do what I don’t feel comfortable doing. Every time I try, it doesn’t happen… I don’t think you can force something like that. Even though I’m willing, it’s doesn’t seem to be happening. Part of me (the more prideful part) wonders if there is a good reason for it, maybe I really do need to protect myself. Then, the best part of me (yep, him again) tells me to be committed… committed to him and he will guide me. There’s no fear in that commitment.

Psalm 37:5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: 6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.