A lot has been going on lately… those I love most in the world are suffering and as they suffer, I suffer with them. My heart grieves with them. I find myself weeping at their staggering losses, and while in no way, am I suffering like they are… in a small way, I am right there with them. It’s something that Jesus has done in my heart. Where I used to be able to shut things off and not think about it so much, he has given me a softer heart to pray and grieve right along with these people that I care so much for.
My sister lost her child, my sweet little nephew, in a tragic accident. I have two close friends who have suffered deep and bitter betrayal. One of those friends is struggling with health problems that are overwhelming and she is among many dealing with the hardships of failing health in themselves or their children. One of the sweetest women I know is trusting God through losing control of her body because of MS. Another is watching her sister die of cancer. My children’s grandmother, who was at home and doing great, went in for a lung biopsy and spent the last few days in ICU because the doctor accidentally punctured her lung. My pastor and his wife recently spent the day at Riley in Indianapolis praying for their granddaughter’s life after she had an unexplained seizure. A good friend is recovering from open heart surgery. Many that I love are struggling with job losses or financial trouble. Other friends are separated from their loved ones as they serve our country in foreign lands. These are just the few that come to mind. I could go on and on.
Our household has also been in a kind of stressful season of change. Three of our adult children have moved home in the last six months. One moved back out, but two are still here and while I am always blessed to be near my children, the change in routine and relationships can be very stressful. Joe remarked that we don’t realize how selfish we are until someone else starts wanting or needing to use our ‘stuff’.
Sometimes circumstances and relationships cause difficulties that seem impossible to overcome. My sister is far away, communication has been sporadic and there are times when my natural tendency is to begin to worry about her when I haven’t heard from her. There are people I care about that I have a strained relationship with and no matter how I handle things with them, I tend to feel like I failed in some way. There are others (my children especially) that I get frustrated with because they don’t take our ‘words of wisdom’ to heart and keep heading in a direction that is destructive. Sometimes there is so much pain and heartache around me that I feel helpless.
As these things have been going on, I found myself becoming unsettled. I couldn’t really put my finger on it, but I think I was starting to feel something like a cross between anxiety and despair. That’s a weird combination, but it’s the only way I can describe what I was feeling yesterday. Things just seem to be spiraling out of control around me and there is nothing I can do to change things and anything I try to do to help seems so inadequate. If I kept focusing on those things and myself, I think I would go crazy.
Thankfully, I have a God who doesn’t want me to live like that. Thankfully I have a God who lives in me and speaks to my heart when I don’t know the answers. Thankfully I have a God who IS the answer. As I get quiet and listen to him instead of my worries and fears, peace returns. He speaks to me and I’ll tell you how he did it this time.
As I lay in bed last night with my mind whirling with all these thoughts, I knew I needed to think about Jesus. I stopped thinking about the problems and just thought about him… about what he’s done… how he has made all things new… all things right… no matter what it may look like around me. I began to thank him… to thank him for who his is and what he’s done. My whole mindset was changed because of him.
Later, I picked up a devotional (My Utmost for His Highest) lying beside my bed and read the one for the last two days. The verse for the first day was “As for me, being on the way, the Lord led me…” (Genesis 24:27). As I read through Chambers’ thoughts on the verse, I knew the Lord was speaking to me. The gist of it was this: God leads us. There is no need for pleading or continual asking of which way to go… what to do. He leads as long as we are willing to follow. The only time we should worry about where we are going is if we are being disobedient. It’s easy to see God in the big things, but he is in every detail. We need to be devoted to God instead of being obsessed with what we are doing or where we are going.
The verse for the second day was “Peter… said to Jesus, ‘But Lord, what about this man?” Jesus said to him, ‘…what is that to you? You follow Me’” (John 21:21-22) and here’s my understanding of that with the help of Jesus and Oswald Chambers: God’s plan for others sometimes doesn’t need any help from me. Sometimes I can become a hindrance instead of a help. Sometimes they need to go through things with him and him alone. As long as I am in right relationship with God he will guide me in what to say or do. If I don’t know what to do, maybe I’m supposed to do nothing. I need to trust him to guide me. If he’s not guiding, I need to trust that too.
Do you think God was speaking to me? I’m sure of it. Thank you, Jesus, for bringing peace to my madness… comfort in my sadness… this is our God.
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