Fear of Commitment?

Maybe you’re thinking ‘man with cold feet’. I could only wish. If it were, at this stage in my life, I’d be able to recognize that as something I don’t need and move on. As it is, my husband is the most committed person I’ve ever known, so… you guessed it… it’s me.

I seem to be having trouble committing to anything. Maybe I’ve been out of the loop too long. I’ve been a stay at home mom for the last five and a half years. I have plenty of responsibility, but somehow, now that some of it has been freed up (my youngest has now entered the annals of education), I can’t seem to make decisions regarding whatever God might want me to do with my life. I haven’t turned anything down, but I’ve had some ideas that I haven’t taken action on. Part of me (the insecure part) wonders if this is some kind of weakness. The other (more prideful) part of me says ‘No way, I’ve committed to plenty of things… I’m just waiting for the right one.’ Then, the good part of me (guess who) says ‘just be’.

I thought that by now I’d be involved in full time ministry. I’ve prayed for years and I had great dreams and expectations (oops), but it turns out that God has other plans. Part of me (the fear of commitment part) wonders if he only wanted me to help get something started and that I should now move on to whatever he has next. The other (more stubborn) part of me believes that I was called to this and nothing and no one is going to run me away from it. Then, the better part of me (yep, him again) tells me to wait and he will guide me either way. I’m not good at waiting.

Sometimes I wonder if that guy in the red suit with a pitchfork (oh wait… that’s not what he looks like at all is it?) is running around orchestrating others’ weaknesses, problems, and such to work right in with my own to cause delays. Can he use people’s inability to communicate and or listen to create giant misunderstanding? Does he take another person’s insecurity and use it to feed my own? Does he arrange for our natural territorial instincts to spill over into areas where they don’t belong? (I can just hear an evil little laugh as he goes about his work.) Man, I sure would love to be able to blame it all on someone.

Since I’ve had plenty of time to think about it, I’ve come to the conclusion that fear of commitment may be a part of my problem. In the past when problems have come up my answer has been ‘well, I guess this is not the ministry I belong in.’ At first, I thought there were good reasons for it... different ideas or theology, lack of biblical focus, etc.

As I’ve matured (slightly), I’ve realized that these problems can be overcome. I've also learned that when the same type of difficulty occurs in different places with different people, I must have at least some part in it… usually a big part. In spite of this understanding, this one has been perplexing. I persistently search my heart and motives and ask God to do the same and I continue to come up blank. This is one of the most difficult situations I’ve been in that seems to have no reason to be difficult at all. Although I’ve been hurt I choose to forgive, I don’t seem to be able to get out of the self-protective mode I am in. I want to trust, but I don’t feel safe even when I think I should. Part of me (the insecure part) thinks it’s all me and I need to force myself to do what I don’t feel comfortable doing. Every time I try, it doesn’t happen… I don’t think you can force something like that. Even though I’m willing, it’s doesn’t seem to be happening. Part of me (the more prideful part) wonders if there is a good reason for it, maybe I really do need to protect myself. Then, the best part of me (yep, him again) tells me to be committed… committed to him and he will guide me. There’s no fear in that commitment.

Psalm 37:5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: 6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

A Hobby or Something More

My husband has had many hobbies. He switches them often and I kid him that he changes hobbies like a woman changes her purse. Whatever the current pursuit is, he sets out to learn everything he can about it. It seems that when he has learned as much as he can and it ceases to be a challenge for him, or it becomes too expensive, dangerous, or both, he moves on to something else. Golf, woodworking, home improvement, sport bikes, quads, go-carts, dirt bikes have all gone by the wayside. He’ll pick them back up occasionally, but never again like when he first got interested in any particular hobby.

A few years ago he picked up a guitar. Playing it has become much more than a hobby. He loves it. I don’t think it will ever cease to challenge him. He studied and learned so much and even built two of his own guitars. He has tried to explain it all to me… fret boards, intonation, chords, harmonics, scales, etc. but I just don’t get it. I know what those things are, but I don’t know how to use the information to do what I would love to do.

I love music. I would love to be able to play guitar. There is a deep rooted desire in my heart to do that and it’s been there since I was a child. For some reason, I won’t do what it takes to learn about what I’d really love to know. I kind of get it, but I will never understand music like Joe does because first, he was determined to learn all he could and then, when he began to understand, he set aside time to practice daily whenever possible so he could get better at it.

It’s kind of like this with God. I think we all have that deep rooted desire in our soul, first to know if he is real and if he is, to actually get to know him… but we don’t do anything about it. We may wonder about him, talk about him and maybe even learn a little, but until we have a serious commitment to finding out and then setting aside time to ‘practice’ daily, we will never know Him like we could. It’s troubling that we can do that with what is actually the most important thing we will ever need to know.

One thing we can be certain of… when we begin to do something about this desire, we will never cease to be amazed. God is deeper and wider than any earthly thing we can imagine. We will be rewarded in ways we never dreamed of and seeking him will bring satisfaction that can never be found in any other endeavor.

1 Corinthians 2:9 However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him"— 10 but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit.

Ephesians 3:16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Election

This election proves that the racial barriers are coming down in this country, and for that I am so very thankful. Please pray for and support our new President.

Phillipians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Romans 13:1 Everyone must submit to governing authorities. For all authority comes from God, and those in positions of authority have been placed there by God.

1 Timothy 2:1 I urge you, first of all, to pray for all people. Ask God to help them; intercede on their behalf, and give thanks for them. 2 Pray this way for kings and all who are in authority so that we can live peaceful and quiet lives marked by godliness and dignity.

If you miss the boat, it just might be the wrong boat…

The other day, I got a call from a friend that I hadn't seen for a while. She told me she had some things she wanted to talk to me about. We were tentatively planning to have lunch together the next day. That morning, I started working on cleaning the garage. When she called, I was in a precarious position hanging somewhere above the weight bench trying to reach some stuff for donating that was stuffed behind it. The phone doesn't work in the garage, so I told the kids to tell her I'd call her back… and promptly forgot all about it. I didn't remember until later that afternoon when the phone rang and it was her. It was too late by then because she had some other things she had to do. I apologized and we talked about getting together on Thursday.

After we hung up, I set about lambasting myself for not dropping everything and going. To make matters worse, lately, I've been pretty good about remembering that I need to see interruptions as opportunities and this felt like a setback. I was also moaning and groaning in frustration over forgetting important things like that (which I seem to do often). I even worried a little that she may have really needed to talk to me and that I had failed her. I mentioned it during Bible study that evening saying I probably missed an opportunity that God had given me… and then I forgot about it (I told you I do it often).

Thursday rolled around and my friend called. She had already eaten dinner, so we decided to just go for coffee. She picked me up and as we were debating on where to go, I asked her how her cousin (who has been through the wringer lately) was doing. She said it had been really rough and that maybe we should go and see her. We picked up three coffees and drove to her place. We spent the whole evening talking, listening and praying with her. Later, as she prayed, she thanked God for our friendship and that we had come.

Sometimes, even when I think I've messed everything up, I am exactly where God wants me to be. If I hadn't missed the lunch date earlier in the week, I'm sure we would not have been where we were needed more that night. It made me realize how many times I forget that it doesn't all depend on me and it made me grateful that when I ask and desire to be and do what God wants, he will help me.

Psalm 31:3 Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me.

Will I Ever Learn?

When we lived in Colorado, we were out hiking one day and stopped to have a picnic lunch by a river. This river was always swift, but it was in the spring, and the runoff from the mountains had turned it into a violent, raging mass of water. My two oldest boys, Justin 16, and Travis 12, had my sister's air mattress out of her truck and were talking about putting it in the river. I remember telling them that it wasn't a good idea, that they had no clue about the power of that water and how it could sweep them away in no time, not to mention how cold it was.

The next thing I knew, they had gone down to the edge and launched the queen sized air mattress into the water. The raft started down the river with the two of them on it. I know they could feel the power of the river and immediately realized their mistake because of the look of sheer terror on their faces. Justin grabbed a low hanging tree branch to try to stop the raft. He was trying to keep the raft under him with his feet and legs but it was useless. It continued down the river with Travis on it and Justin was left hanging by the branch in the middle of the river. I shouted directions to him from the bank (let go… feet first… hands behind your head) as we tried to follow Travis down the river. The growth along the bank was thick and we weren't moving fast enough. Travis and the raft disappeared around the bend.

As I turned back, I saw that Justin had let go of the branch. I kept yelling instructions to him from the bank, but I doubt that he could hear anything with the roar of the water. He couldn't even stand up because the current was so strong. Incredibly, he made his way to the opposite bank before he had gone out of sight. I had no idea what to do about Travis. I was terrified for him, but there was nothing I could do but pray. I ran back up the river and across the bridge to make sure Justin was okay and see if there were any phones or people in the parking area over there. I felt so helpless. The feeling of dread and thoughts of all the things that could happen to Travis were overwhelming. They were soon relieved as I saw him on the other side of the river, coming up through the brush. Somehow, he also had made it out alive.

I am so thankful the outcome wasn't worse that day and that we can look back on it and laugh. I think maybe both boys learned a valuable lesson... a lesson we all need to learn over and over again. It's funny how we refuse to listen to those who love us the most… those who always have our best interests in mind and only want to keep us from harm. I am a grown woman and still have trouble with it. I refuse to listen to my husband or even God sometimes. I know I can trust them both yet, at times, I refuse to listen. I should know better by now. Will I ever learn?

Proverbs 1:5 let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance

Hard to Get

There was a terrible accident on Friday afternoon involving a school bus with four disabled children on board, all of whom were killed. The bus driver was the only one to survive and is in serious condition. One of the students was my daughter's 'peer buddy' at school last year. Peer buddies is a program that students can volunteer for to assist the kids in the special needs classroom. Tyler was ten years old, confined to a wheel chair and could not speak. Cheyenne spent part of every Tuesday last year helping him and the other kids in the class in all kinds of activities that allow the children to do and experience various things that they wouldn't be able to do on their own… from tasting and smelling things to going for a ride on the Carousel at Riverside Park.

Joe and I have been talking and praying about the tragedy… praying for all those involved: parents, family, the bus driver, other drivers involved (who were not injured), the teachers, friends and even the rescue workers and anyone who was at the accident scene. One of our biggest concerns as parents is if we should allow Cheyenne to attend the funeral or not. At first, our protective parental instincts told us 'no, she does not need to go through that'. Joe and I both hate funerals and only go if we can be of support to someone there. We felt that Cheyenne didn't need to 'be there' for anyone and that being there wouldn't do her any good at all. That was consensus last night, but we agreed to keep praying and asked God to help us make the right decisions before we went to sleep.

There are two of Cheyenne's good friends, among others, who also volunteer in the class. One of the moms thoughtfully coordinated all of the parents to donate and send a memorial for Tyler. When she called again this morning, we also discussed whether or not we should allow the girls to go to the funeral. She had the same protective mindset that we did. She mentioned there was a viewing before the funeral and I said I might take Cheyenne to it, but I wasn't sure. I asked her to call me later in the day.

I called my pastor's wife to ask her to pray and see if she or her husband had any advice. As we discussed all the thoughts and feelings we were having, she suggested leaving the decision up to Cheyenne. Since we haven't even talked about it (I was kind of avoiding it, thinking if I didn't say anything maybe she wouldn't ask), I hadn't even considered the fact that she might want to go. I'm sure that when she gets home tonight she will have an opinion and that opinion may be influenced by the group of kids that are also volunteers. I'm also fairly sure that as a group, they will want to go.

Joe called again at noon and when I asked him how he was feeling about it, he had basically come to the same conclusion. I called the other mom and told her what we were thinking and she was also having the same ideas. It's amazing how God will bring minds together. We are now prepared to counsel Cheyenne, but to leave the final decision up to her. She's only 10, but I know she will have to learn how to handle things like this in her life. The other mom had been in contact with the school today. I knew they had provided grief counselors and she found out that all the girls had been to see them a couple of times. She was going to pick up her daughter after school. I thought maybe I should do the same, but then decided to leave Cheyenne to finish the day unless she calls me to come and get her. She's doing pretty well because the first thing I did was remind her of the hope that we have… not a weak uncertain hope, but a solid, definite, knowledge of the true hope that Tyler is safe with Jesus and he is no longer confined to his broken little body. He is truly and totally free.

I can only pray that the parents of all four of these children have this knowledge of hope. Without it, I don't know how you could cope. I don't understand why things like this happen. I am a firm believer in the sovereignty of God and I know that although he did not cause the accident, he could have stopped it. Why he didn't will remain a mystery along with many other things. I do know that God is good, not just in our human way of thinking, but good through and through. There is no bad in him. Some people react to tragedy by pushing God away and blaming him while others draw nearer to him through their grief. Lord, draw all of these nearer to you.

Later, I was online reading an unrelated blog and happened upon this song. It's not a great recording because it was made on a cassette tape player just days before the artist, Rich Mullins, died in a car accident. It's an honest song about the struggle to love and trust this God who loves us so much and whose ways we cannot understand. It was exactly what I needed to hear today.

Isaiah 55:8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. 9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

Luke 18:16 But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Sundog

From Wikipedia:

A sun dog or sundog (scientific name parhelion, plural parhelia, for "beside the sun") is a common bright circular spot on a solar halo. It is an atmospheric optical phenomenon primarily associated with the reflection or refraction of sunlight by small ice crystals making up cirrus or cirrostratus clouds. Often, two sun dogs can be seen (one on each side of the sun) simultaneously.

I couldn't think of a name for this blog and I remembered the first time I saw a sundog. I was in Florida and there were two dim little rainbow looking reflections in the sky on both sides of the sun. It looked sort of like the photo above, but they were much smaller (and there was a palm tree instead of a pine tree). They were barely noticeable but I happened to see them because I look at the sky a lot. I thought they were pretty cool and later found out they were sundogs.

Sundogs remind me of my ability to understand or imagine God. Even in moments of greatest clarity as I come closer to him and as I seek him, I only see a dim reflection... as in a bad mirror. I can't imagine what they used for mirrors 2000 years ago, but I'm sure they weren't very clear... even the ones from a century ago were pretty murky.

Those little sundogs, as beautiful as they were, are only a dim reflection of the awesome brilliance and power of the sun. My understanding of, and efforts to be like the perfect example God provided in Jesus Christ are just that… cloudy and skewed by an imperfect person that has been influenced by an imperfect world. I can only imagine coming face to face with him and knowing fully what I only vaguely imagine now.

Let this be my own little disclaimer regarding whatever I post here.

1 Corinthians 13:12 (ESV) For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.