Fruit

All this business about fruit can be really perplexing. If you are a ‘good Christian’, ‘growing in the Lord’ you will ‘produce fruit’. The Bible is very specific about this fruit “Galatians 5:22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control”. Seems pretty straightforward doesn't it?

Unfortunately, there are some who want to more specifically define ‘fruit’, insisting upon specific ‘signs’ of a fruitful Christian. Here are a few examples:

1. You will attend church every Sunday

2. You will attend Bible study at least twice a week

3. You will tithe regularly

4. You will attend every prayer meeting and pray Spirit led prayers out loud

5. You will spout Bible verses in every sentence.

6. You will appear at every church gathering with a happy countenance, never tired, frustrated, or emotionally affected in any way other than joy, joy, joy.

7. You will have a ‘servant heart’ also further defined as: you will automatically clean toilets, empty trash cans and various other ‘servant hearted activities’

I know you can help me expand the list.

Now, some of these are perfectly good and reasonable expectations to a certain degree, but when they become some sort of litmus test to qualify or disqualify you for any kind of service, it seems a little perilous. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think I could ever perfectly live up to this list. I’m a 46 year old mother of 10 children. I’ve been a mom for 28 years, and I still have five children at home. The youngest is five, so I have quite a few years to go. The other day I looked up and noticed that cobwebs had grown all over the house without my even noticing. I wash my windows about once every two years and my whole bathroom would probably glow in a UV light. I would never notice that the church bathroom is a little dirty… compared to mine, it sparkles.

Sometimes I feel like I’m a kiwi vine and someone is trying to make me into a peach tree. No matter how I try, I cannot produce peaches. Are my kiwis going to rot on the vine because everyone wants peaches? Is it because they are brown and furry? Don’t they realize that peaches are furry too? Kiwi skin might be a little tough, but it serves a purpose. Kiwi fruit is a weird color, but it is packed with vitamins and nutrition and it tastes good. Wouldn’t it would be a shame to let it rot on the vine? What kind of fruit are you? Is your fruit ‘popular’?

I’m starting to wonder if maybe some can’t see the forest for the trees… especially when they’re only looking for peach trees.

Fear of Commitment?

Maybe you’re thinking ‘man with cold feet’. I could only wish. If it were, at this stage in my life, I’d be able to recognize that as something I don’t need and move on. As it is, my husband is the most committed person I’ve ever known, so… you guessed it… it’s me.

I seem to be having trouble committing to anything. Maybe I’ve been out of the loop too long. I’ve been a stay at home mom for the last five and a half years. I have plenty of responsibility, but somehow, now that some of it has been freed up (my youngest has now entered the annals of education), I can’t seem to make decisions regarding whatever God might want me to do with my life. I haven’t turned anything down, but I’ve had some ideas that I haven’t taken action on. Part of me (the insecure part) wonders if this is some kind of weakness. The other (more prideful) part of me says ‘No way, I’ve committed to plenty of things… I’m just waiting for the right one.’ Then, the good part of me (guess who) says ‘just be’.

I thought that by now I’d be involved in full time ministry. I’ve prayed for years and I had great dreams and expectations (oops), but it turns out that God has other plans. Part of me (the fear of commitment part) wonders if he only wanted me to help get something started and that I should now move on to whatever he has next. The other (more stubborn) part of me believes that I was called to this and nothing and no one is going to run me away from it. Then, the better part of me (yep, him again) tells me to wait and he will guide me either way. I’m not good at waiting.

Sometimes I wonder if that guy in the red suit with a pitchfork (oh wait… that’s not what he looks like at all is it?) is running around orchestrating others’ weaknesses, problems, and such to work right in with my own to cause delays. Can he use people’s inability to communicate and or listen to create giant misunderstanding? Does he take another person’s insecurity and use it to feed my own? Does he arrange for our natural territorial instincts to spill over into areas where they don’t belong? (I can just hear an evil little laugh as he goes about his work.) Man, I sure would love to be able to blame it all on someone.

Since I’ve had plenty of time to think about it, I’ve come to the conclusion that fear of commitment may be a part of my problem. In the past when problems have come up my answer has been ‘well, I guess this is not the ministry I belong in.’ At first, I thought there were good reasons for it... different ideas or theology, lack of biblical focus, etc.

As I’ve matured (slightly), I’ve realized that these problems can be overcome. I've also learned that when the same type of difficulty occurs in different places with different people, I must have at least some part in it… usually a big part. In spite of this understanding, this one has been perplexing. I persistently search my heart and motives and ask God to do the same and I continue to come up blank. This is one of the most difficult situations I’ve been in that seems to have no reason to be difficult at all. Although I’ve been hurt I choose to forgive, I don’t seem to be able to get out of the self-protective mode I am in. I want to trust, but I don’t feel safe even when I think I should. Part of me (the insecure part) thinks it’s all me and I need to force myself to do what I don’t feel comfortable doing. Every time I try, it doesn’t happen… I don’t think you can force something like that. Even though I’m willing, it’s doesn’t seem to be happening. Part of me (the more prideful part) wonders if there is a good reason for it, maybe I really do need to protect myself. Then, the best part of me (yep, him again) tells me to be committed… committed to him and he will guide me. There’s no fear in that commitment.

Psalm 37:5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: 6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

A Hobby or Something More

My husband has had many hobbies. He switches them often and I kid him that he changes hobbies like a woman changes her purse. Whatever the current pursuit is, he sets out to learn everything he can about it. It seems that when he has learned as much as he can and it ceases to be a challenge for him, or it becomes too expensive, dangerous, or both, he moves on to something else. Golf, woodworking, home improvement, sport bikes, quads, go-carts, dirt bikes have all gone by the wayside. He’ll pick them back up occasionally, but never again like when he first got interested in any particular hobby.

A few years ago he picked up a guitar. Playing it has become much more than a hobby. He loves it. I don’t think it will ever cease to challenge him. He studied and learned so much and even built two of his own guitars. He has tried to explain it all to me… fret boards, intonation, chords, harmonics, scales, etc. but I just don’t get it. I know what those things are, but I don’t know how to use the information to do what I would love to do.

I love music. I would love to be able to play guitar. There is a deep rooted desire in my heart to do that and it’s been there since I was a child. For some reason, I won’t do what it takes to learn about what I’d really love to know. I kind of get it, but I will never understand music like Joe does because first, he was determined to learn all he could and then, when he began to understand, he set aside time to practice daily whenever possible so he could get better at it.

It’s kind of like this with God. I think we all have that deep rooted desire in our soul, first to know if he is real and if he is, to actually get to know him… but we don’t do anything about it. We may wonder about him, talk about him and maybe even learn a little, but until we have a serious commitment to finding out and then setting aside time to ‘practice’ daily, we will never know Him like we could. It’s troubling that we can do that with what is actually the most important thing we will ever need to know.

One thing we can be certain of… when we begin to do something about this desire, we will never cease to be amazed. God is deeper and wider than any earthly thing we can imagine. We will be rewarded in ways we never dreamed of and seeking him will bring satisfaction that can never be found in any other endeavor.

1 Corinthians 2:9 However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him"— 10 but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit.

Ephesians 3:16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Election

This election proves that the racial barriers are coming down in this country, and for that I am so very thankful. Please pray for and support our new President.

Phillipians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Romans 13:1 Everyone must submit to governing authorities. For all authority comes from God, and those in positions of authority have been placed there by God.

1 Timothy 2:1 I urge you, first of all, to pray for all people. Ask God to help them; intercede on their behalf, and give thanks for them. 2 Pray this way for kings and all who are in authority so that we can live peaceful and quiet lives marked by godliness and dignity.

If you miss the boat, it just might be the wrong boat…

The other day, I got a call from a friend that I hadn't seen for a while. She told me she had some things she wanted to talk to me about. We were tentatively planning to have lunch together the next day. That morning, I started working on cleaning the garage. When she called, I was in a precarious position hanging somewhere above the weight bench trying to reach some stuff for donating that was stuffed behind it. The phone doesn't work in the garage, so I told the kids to tell her I'd call her back… and promptly forgot all about it. I didn't remember until later that afternoon when the phone rang and it was her. It was too late by then because she had some other things she had to do. I apologized and we talked about getting together on Thursday.

After we hung up, I set about lambasting myself for not dropping everything and going. To make matters worse, lately, I've been pretty good about remembering that I need to see interruptions as opportunities and this felt like a setback. I was also moaning and groaning in frustration over forgetting important things like that (which I seem to do often). I even worried a little that she may have really needed to talk to me and that I had failed her. I mentioned it during Bible study that evening saying I probably missed an opportunity that God had given me… and then I forgot about it (I told you I do it often).

Thursday rolled around and my friend called. She had already eaten dinner, so we decided to just go for coffee. She picked me up and as we were debating on where to go, I asked her how her cousin (who has been through the wringer lately) was doing. She said it had been really rough and that maybe we should go and see her. We picked up three coffees and drove to her place. We spent the whole evening talking, listening and praying with her. Later, as she prayed, she thanked God for our friendship and that we had come.

Sometimes, even when I think I've messed everything up, I am exactly where God wants me to be. If I hadn't missed the lunch date earlier in the week, I'm sure we would not have been where we were needed more that night. It made me realize how many times I forget that it doesn't all depend on me and it made me grateful that when I ask and desire to be and do what God wants, he will help me.

Psalm 31:3 Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me.

Will I Ever Learn?

When we lived in Colorado, we were out hiking one day and stopped to have a picnic lunch by a river. This river was always swift, but it was in the spring, and the runoff from the mountains had turned it into a violent, raging mass of water. My two oldest boys, Justin 16, and Travis 12, had my sister's air mattress out of her truck and were talking about putting it in the river. I remember telling them that it wasn't a good idea, that they had no clue about the power of that water and how it could sweep them away in no time, not to mention how cold it was.

The next thing I knew, they had gone down to the edge and launched the queen sized air mattress into the water. The raft started down the river with the two of them on it. I know they could feel the power of the river and immediately realized their mistake because of the look of sheer terror on their faces. Justin grabbed a low hanging tree branch to try to stop the raft. He was trying to keep the raft under him with his feet and legs but it was useless. It continued down the river with Travis on it and Justin was left hanging by the branch in the middle of the river. I shouted directions to him from the bank (let go… feet first… hands behind your head) as we tried to follow Travis down the river. The growth along the bank was thick and we weren't moving fast enough. Travis and the raft disappeared around the bend.

As I turned back, I saw that Justin had let go of the branch. I kept yelling instructions to him from the bank, but I doubt that he could hear anything with the roar of the water. He couldn't even stand up because the current was so strong. Incredibly, he made his way to the opposite bank before he had gone out of sight. I had no idea what to do about Travis. I was terrified for him, but there was nothing I could do but pray. I ran back up the river and across the bridge to make sure Justin was okay and see if there were any phones or people in the parking area over there. I felt so helpless. The feeling of dread and thoughts of all the things that could happen to Travis were overwhelming. They were soon relieved as I saw him on the other side of the river, coming up through the brush. Somehow, he also had made it out alive.

I am so thankful the outcome wasn't worse that day and that we can look back on it and laugh. I think maybe both boys learned a valuable lesson... a lesson we all need to learn over and over again. It's funny how we refuse to listen to those who love us the most… those who always have our best interests in mind and only want to keep us from harm. I am a grown woman and still have trouble with it. I refuse to listen to my husband or even God sometimes. I know I can trust them both yet, at times, I refuse to listen. I should know better by now. Will I ever learn?

Proverbs 1:5 let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance

Hard to Get

There was a terrible accident on Friday afternoon involving a school bus with four disabled children on board, all of whom were killed. The bus driver was the only one to survive and is in serious condition. One of the students was my daughter's 'peer buddy' at school last year. Peer buddies is a program that students can volunteer for to assist the kids in the special needs classroom. Tyler was ten years old, confined to a wheel chair and could not speak. Cheyenne spent part of every Tuesday last year helping him and the other kids in the class in all kinds of activities that allow the children to do and experience various things that they wouldn't be able to do on their own… from tasting and smelling things to going for a ride on the Carousel at Riverside Park.

Joe and I have been talking and praying about the tragedy… praying for all those involved: parents, family, the bus driver, other drivers involved (who were not injured), the teachers, friends and even the rescue workers and anyone who was at the accident scene. One of our biggest concerns as parents is if we should allow Cheyenne to attend the funeral or not. At first, our protective parental instincts told us 'no, she does not need to go through that'. Joe and I both hate funerals and only go if we can be of support to someone there. We felt that Cheyenne didn't need to 'be there' for anyone and that being there wouldn't do her any good at all. That was consensus last night, but we agreed to keep praying and asked God to help us make the right decisions before we went to sleep.

There are two of Cheyenne's good friends, among others, who also volunteer in the class. One of the moms thoughtfully coordinated all of the parents to donate and send a memorial for Tyler. When she called again this morning, we also discussed whether or not we should allow the girls to go to the funeral. She had the same protective mindset that we did. She mentioned there was a viewing before the funeral and I said I might take Cheyenne to it, but I wasn't sure. I asked her to call me later in the day.

I called my pastor's wife to ask her to pray and see if she or her husband had any advice. As we discussed all the thoughts and feelings we were having, she suggested leaving the decision up to Cheyenne. Since we haven't even talked about it (I was kind of avoiding it, thinking if I didn't say anything maybe she wouldn't ask), I hadn't even considered the fact that she might want to go. I'm sure that when she gets home tonight she will have an opinion and that opinion may be influenced by the group of kids that are also volunteers. I'm also fairly sure that as a group, they will want to go.

Joe called again at noon and when I asked him how he was feeling about it, he had basically come to the same conclusion. I called the other mom and told her what we were thinking and she was also having the same ideas. It's amazing how God will bring minds together. We are now prepared to counsel Cheyenne, but to leave the final decision up to her. She's only 10, but I know she will have to learn how to handle things like this in her life. The other mom had been in contact with the school today. I knew they had provided grief counselors and she found out that all the girls had been to see them a couple of times. She was going to pick up her daughter after school. I thought maybe I should do the same, but then decided to leave Cheyenne to finish the day unless she calls me to come and get her. She's doing pretty well because the first thing I did was remind her of the hope that we have… not a weak uncertain hope, but a solid, definite, knowledge of the true hope that Tyler is safe with Jesus and he is no longer confined to his broken little body. He is truly and totally free.

I can only pray that the parents of all four of these children have this knowledge of hope. Without it, I don't know how you could cope. I don't understand why things like this happen. I am a firm believer in the sovereignty of God and I know that although he did not cause the accident, he could have stopped it. Why he didn't will remain a mystery along with many other things. I do know that God is good, not just in our human way of thinking, but good through and through. There is no bad in him. Some people react to tragedy by pushing God away and blaming him while others draw nearer to him through their grief. Lord, draw all of these nearer to you.

Later, I was online reading an unrelated blog and happened upon this song. It's not a great recording because it was made on a cassette tape player just days before the artist, Rich Mullins, died in a car accident. It's an honest song about the struggle to love and trust this God who loves us so much and whose ways we cannot understand. It was exactly what I needed to hear today.

Isaiah 55:8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. 9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

Luke 18:16 But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Sundog

From Wikipedia:

A sun dog or sundog (scientific name parhelion, plural parhelia, for "beside the sun") is a common bright circular spot on a solar halo. It is an atmospheric optical phenomenon primarily associated with the reflection or refraction of sunlight by small ice crystals making up cirrus or cirrostratus clouds. Often, two sun dogs can be seen (one on each side of the sun) simultaneously.

I couldn't think of a name for this blog and I remembered the first time I saw a sundog. I was in Florida and there were two dim little rainbow looking reflections in the sky on both sides of the sun. It looked sort of like the photo above, but they were much smaller (and there was a palm tree instead of a pine tree). They were barely noticeable but I happened to see them because I look at the sky a lot. I thought they were pretty cool and later found out they were sundogs.

Sundogs remind me of my ability to understand or imagine God. Even in moments of greatest clarity as I come closer to him and as I seek him, I only see a dim reflection... as in a bad mirror. I can't imagine what they used for mirrors 2000 years ago, but I'm sure they weren't very clear... even the ones from a century ago were pretty murky.

Those little sundogs, as beautiful as they were, are only a dim reflection of the awesome brilliance and power of the sun. My understanding of, and efforts to be like the perfect example God provided in Jesus Christ are just that… cloudy and skewed by an imperfect person that has been influenced by an imperfect world. I can only imagine coming face to face with him and knowing fully what I only vaguely imagine now.

Let this be my own little disclaimer regarding whatever I post here.

1 Corinthians 13:12 (ESV) For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

Time and Light

I read 'time is a drag' on a profile update yesterday. Time IS a drag... so is gravity and other assorted things that are causing me to age.

I learned some interesting facts about time. The faster you travel... the slower time passes. It's something Einstein theorized about and was proven right. Light travels at a constant speed no matter what impedes it. Even when it bends, is reflected or is diffused it still travels at 186,000 miles per second. You cannot change the speed of light... it is a constant. Time is not a constant... even though we usually think of it that way.

Theoretically, if you could travel at light speed... time would stand still. If you think about it, if you were traveling at the speed of light would you still be able to see it? Would you be in the light? Part of the light? What would happen? It is said that light is a wave and if you were traveling at the same speed you would be 'riding' the wave. Now that's some high speed surfing.

God refers to himself as 'the light'. He also refers to himself as a 'constant'... always present - never changing. I find that pretty interesting in 'light' (haha) of the things we now know about light. It stands to reason that if you are 'the light', time doesn't matter. Time doesn't matter to God. He knows the beginning and the end of 'time'. A day is like a thousand years and a thousand years is like a day for him. These things were written millennia before anyone knew what we now know about light.

Just something to think about… in case time is dragging for you ;)

The Best Defense

I spent much of my life

1. Trying to justify my actions
2. Defending my position
3. Being hurt or offended when I'm misunderstood
4. Trying to right wrongs or fix things that I thought were unfair
5. Being generally rather frustrated when things didn't go my way

Since I asked Jesus to help me with all this and the rest of my rather dysfunctional existence I've learned a few things.

1. The best defense is a great offense

Yeah, I know this cliché line sounds rather simplistic so I will try to explain.

The kids and I have been reading through the four books in the Bible that depict Jesus as he lived here on earth. I started out because I wanted to teach the kids about Jesus, but I am sure that I have learned just as much or more than they have. As we read through these books, we discovered an amazing person. I learned so much that has helped me, but I think one of the greatest things that I am trying to practically apply to my life is how he dealt with injustice.

Here's the picture:

Sinless (yes, sinless) man lives a life above any reproach. At around 30 years old, he begins to teach, heal and perform various other miracles. He develops a great following and people throng to hear his message of hope. As his ministry goes on, his following grows. Local religious leaders fear loss of power, money and prestige because so many are listening to this message of grace and mercy that is in direct opposition to their oppressive and burdensome requirements and regulations. They decide to do something about it.

At first they tried to discredit him which further substantiates his sinless life – if he had done ANYTHING, they would have found it. As they made their empty accusations, each time they tried to put him on the defense, he came back with a great offense and reversed the situation. Each time he was accused, he would answer with logical questions putting his accusers in the position of defending themselves. He never defended himself because there was no reason to. He had done nothing wrong.

When they finally ran out of empty accusations and illogical arguments they began to attack him for saying that he was the Son of God. To this he consistently gave no answer at all or a simple 'it is as you say'. He did not defend himself, he did not get upset, he did not argue or plead his case or point to all of their mistakes and all of his proof. He did not cry out for justice. As he was arrested for the only crime they could come up with – blasphemy for saying he was the Son of God – one of his disciples tried to defend him with a sword cutting off one of the guards ears. Jesus told him to stop and healed the man's ear.

Jesus went to the cross without argument. He went willingly. He came back to life three days later and the legacy of what God has done lives on. It has a force and power beyond anything on this earth.

I wish I could live a life like that. As I seek God and learn more and more about him, my life begins to change and look a little more like what it should and could be. When I remember to react in these ways instead of being defensive, angry or hurt I have much better results in all of my relationships. Even when there is no resolution, there is peace.

The first time this message really hit home with me was as I watched my husband go through what I thought was a terrible injustice. In spite of his innocence, I watched him calmly go through being treated horribly, and severely disciplined for nothing more than good intentions. He acknowledged his own errors and accepted all of the guilt and condemnation that was hurled at him with grace and dignity. As I went through this with him, in the beginning I fought it every step of the way. I tried to fix it, fight it and argue it. Everything in me screamed INJUSTICE.

As time went on… years in fact… I learned to pray more and trust God. I still had my moments when I got angry because the very system that was set up to protect the poor and the innocent has become far less than it was intended and there were times when I wanted to fight it with every thing I had, but Joe would always calm me down and remind me that everything would be okay. In the end, everything turned out fine and Joe was vindicated. I'm sure it came out much better than it would have if we had done it my way.

My life will never be perfect, and there are times when I forget all about how it should/could be, but my desire and growing ability to live a good and right life comes not from any law or rules but because of the love I have received from my God.

Rom 2:4 ...God's kindness leads you toward repentance…

1Pe 2:12 Live such good lives among them that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.

A Safe Place

Sometimes the place we should feel safest can seem to be the most hostile. Sometimes the people who should love us judge and condemn us. Sometimes they do it without knowing anything about us. Sometimes anxieties, weaknesses and fears are projected onto us in various ways… anger, hostility, exclusion. Sometimes life just plain sucks because of these misunderstandings. Sometimes I am the object of these issues and sometimes I am the cause.

I know a place where I am always safe, always loved and never misunderstood. In Jesus I find acceptance and grace and I am known to the deepest core of my being. My motives and actions are known and not presupposed. With him, I can see my own motivation more clearly. I learn how to better handle it when I am the object of a misunderstanding, and I learn more and more how NOT to be the cause of the misunderstanding. I learn that being defensive is unproductive and that continuing to love is the only answer. I learn that if I can't overcome these stumbling blocks I may miss out on something much greater.

I love this place… I think I'll stay here… right where God wants me.

Proverbs 29:25 The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.

Baaaaaaaaaaa

Jesus told a parable about relationships. The parable gives an example of how sheep only trust the one they know. Although the parable was used to explain to his disciples about false teachers/preachers, I learned something from it in another very important way.

Quality relationships are not possible without trust. Just like sheep, trust is something that is built when we get to know, care about, help and protect each other. In the parable, Jesus is the shepherd and doesn't need taken care of… only you and I (the sheep) do. That's true with a shepherd/sheep and with God and us, but in human to human relationships, it's a two way street. It must go both ways, or it will never be very good.

In the parable, Jesus says '… they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him…' How do we get to know someone well enough to trust? We start out by sharing our joys, sorrows, hopes, fears, victories, failures, strengths and weaknesses. As we build trust and become able to share even more, we naturally become more and more intimate with each other. Becoming intimate puts us in a vulnerable position, but also brings us closer. We can't expect our relationships to grow meaningfully in any other way.

When one of the people in a relationship is unable to become intimate in this way because of insecurity or fear, the relationship suffers. It is an exchange, and when one person is unable to participate, communication is superficial at best. Sometimes it takes a lot of patience and love. It may be slow, and sometimes even painful for the other person to learn that you are not the enemy. If trust extended is abused or broken, the relationship can be badly injured.

If we want to have good relationships, it starts with getting to know each other and it will continue to grow with strong, unbroken trust. Like Jesus, who came that we may have life, and have it to the full, we must want the best for the other person.

John 10:1 "I tell you the truth, the man who does not enter the sheep pen by the gate, but climbs in by some other way, is a thief and a robber. 2 The man who enters by the gate is the shepherd of his sheep. 3 The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. 4 When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. 5 But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice." 6 Jesus used this figure of speech, but they did not understand what he was telling them. 7 Therefore Jesus said again, "I tell you the truth, I am the gate for the sheep. 8 All who ever came before me were thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not listen to them. 9 I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture. 10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. ....

Masks

Throughout my life, I've worn many masks. Here are a few that I could identify. I'm sure I've worn more, but these are the ones that come to mind.

Mystery: When I was younger… I didn't know much. For a very short time, I sort of realized it and somehow knew that it would be better to keep quiet. Then, at least people might wonder, instead of opening my mouth and removing all doubt. I wish I would have kept this mask on a lot longer. It would be useful, even today.

Happy Face: As life progressed and I experienced more and more pain, betrayal, rejection and abandonment, I put on the Happy Face. I had a killer smile that could cover up all the turmoil inside. I laughed and acted so carefree that few knew how messed up I was. I surrounded myself in a whirlwind of entertaining people and activities to help keep this Mask on as long as I could.

Martyr: During both the Happy Face and the next Tough Cynic phase, there were times when I was so wounded that I couldn't keep those masks intact so I put on the Martyr. Although I was as much a part of my problems as anyone, I would focus on others failures and play the Martyr. It was easy to justify it with all the dysfunction I placed myself in the middle of and I played it well… not too pathetic and helpless, but definitely appealing to the sympathy of those around me and justifying everything in my own mind. Maybe if I weren't so good at it, I would have gotten what I really needed… for someone to let me know without a doubt that my own choices were the cause of almost all of my problems.

Tough Cynic: It became more and more difficult to pretend. I could only escape into the Martyr for short periods and the Happy Face was cracking. I began to expect the worst in everything. I gave up hope, trust, and anything else that required me to put myself in the path of more emotional harm. To make it appear that this was not as devastating as it truly is, I covered with sarcastic humor and a toughness that came naturally, out of necessity for survival.

Today I rarely wear a mask. I'm sure that I fall back behind them momentarily, but I don't stay there too long. I'm glad they finally became old, worn out and practically useless which led me to being fully covered and redeemed by the grace that I needed all along.

Middle Child

I spent my life in proximity
Seeing things
I couldn't conceive
Ever happened to me

Younger sibling
Much adored
Time and attention
Boundless love

Older sibling
Depended on
Needed, heeded
Helpful and more

From my view
It seems to be
That no one needs
Or cares about me

Kind words and gentle touch
The very thing I need so much
I resist, refuse, I can't believe
That they truly care for me

Insecurity, resentment
Anger grows
I push away the offerings
Of the things I desperately need

Those pushed away
Don't realize, can't understand
And in their eyes, only see
A need for more discipline

What I really need is unconditional love
Help to understand that I have had
The very things I can't believe
Were ever in the plan for me

Down Your Throat

I talked to Justin (my oldest son) this morning. He was sitting on the beach in Panama City, Florida watching lightning flash over the beach as the sun rose. We talked about his buddy's wedding (the reason he is there), the recent flooding and his brother (who I just saw yesterday) among other things. The conversation wandered to the reasons for some of the seemingly terrible things that happen in our lives. We agreed that whatever it is, God is able to use it for a good purpose in our lives and that we would try to remember that and remind others.

Then the conversation fell into 'religion' and Justin expressed revulsion when people try to "shove it down your throat". I feel a little defensive and worried when I hear this expression... I made a feeble attempt to explain that people mean well and that it's funny because when Jesus becomes the most important thing in your life, he naturally becomes the main thing you talk about... everyone does it, but not many are deeply offended when you talk about your children, job or football team... it's different with Christ and he warned us that it would be. John 15:18"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first… 21They will treat you this way because of my name, for they do not know the One who sent me.

I also asked if I ever did that to him. He said no, and that he would let me know if I ever did. I was relieved, but when we got off the phone, it occurred to me that I left out something very important. Not only do we want to share Christ with everyone because of the wonderful thing he has done for us and in us... we are supposed to make him known. The last thing he did before he went to the cross was to stress over and over to love him and love each other so people would know. Unfortunately, sometimes we try to tell people about Him without demonstrating love at all. We mean well, but no one can really hear the 'good news' unless real love goes along with it. He left us an example to follow and sometimes we don't do it very well. If we did it like he did, we would automatically make him known. If we learned from him, we wouldn't mess it up so bad. No matter how badly we mess it up, you should know that he is much better than us.

Here it is straight from the horse's mouth...

Jesus repeatedly commanded us to remain in him:

John 15:4Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. 5"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. 8This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

So we can love each other:

John 15:9"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. 11I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 12My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

And make him known by his example:

John 17:20"My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, 21that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. 22I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: 23I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. 24"Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. 25"Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. 26I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them."

Lord, help us be like that so we can make you known.

Freedom

This weekend was a time to remember all those who have made sacrifices for freedom. It also started out as a weekend of frustration and disappointment for me. Fortunately, the tough things in my life are helping me learn to see others the way my God sees me. Whenever someone hurts me or makes things very difficult for me, I have to remember to put on 'rose colored glasses' and see them through the lenses of mercy and forgiveness. Sometimes it is hard because being hurt is no fun and wasting my time and money on empty missions can be very frustrating and expensive. It makes it even harder when I have to come home and tell my son he's been let down again. If it weren't for knowing that Christ gave his life because of his love and mercy toward me, I would be very hurt and angry. Instead, I choose to remember that time and time again, I have hurt others and ultimately my God, and that I have been forgiven. That makes it my responsibility to extend that forgiveness to others. In the end, it is the best thing for me as well. I don't have to carry around the huge burden unforgiveness lays on my shoulders. I can drop the pain, anger, bitterness or whatever else I may be feeling. I can drop it at Jesus feet and leave it there. I can choose not to pick it up again... and if I forget... I can take it back to him any time I want to. This is ultimate freedom. This was the ultimate sacrifice for the freedom of anyone who chooses to take it.

John 8:36 So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

Seesaw

Up
Down
Up
Down

The thrill in my stomach as I leave the ground
The drop in my heart as I plummet down

Up
Down
Up
Down

The excitement and adventure of a new love found
The pain and the grief when it ends where it was bound

Up
Down
Up
Down

Get off this ride and leave the park
Or keep on riding until it's dark?

Up
Down
Up
Down

Are the highs truly worth it? All this pain...
In the end, in reality, what have I gained?

A Kinder, Gentler Letter to a Friend

I just want to write to tell you that I love you. I love your honesty. Your heart is not hard and cold like so many who have been hurt and I am thankful for that.

Someone hurt me the other day. After my initial feelings including shock, revulsion, anger, grief, etc., I realized that my situation hadn't changed. All those feelings had been lurking beneath the surface all along. This wound only made an opening for them to come out. Their coming out seems to be a necessary part of my healing process. I cannot continue to harbor those negative feelings if I truly choose to forgive. I may not be able to get rid of grief, but anger and revulsion have no place in a heart of forgiveness. I need so much help to do what I want to do. I want to forgive because I have been forgiven so much. I want to love because I am so loved. I want to truly wish the best for those that have hurt me.

I am convinced that we are all capable of being heartless and cruel. The Spirit of God that is in us or alongside us, even when we don't believe is the only thing that keeps us from degenerating into something horrible… without feeling or remorse. I'm thankful that you listen to the Spirit of God that keeps you from becoming hard and cold because of the way people treat you. I hope you are always able to do that.

It hit me really hard how blessed I am to be surrounded by people who love me and are not always hurting me. It occurred to me that most of my life was lived thinking being treated like that was normal and now, it is so abnormal that it puts me in a state of shock when it happens. Jesus opened my eyes so I could see all the warning signs of the people I shouldn't be intimately involved with, and only he gave me the strength and wisdom to stay out of those relationships and to keep necessary boundaries when I had no choice but to be in those relationships. My life is so much better for it.

There are no easy answers. People suck. God is good and only he can make us into the men and women we were meant to be. Unfortunately, it's not usually an instant fix. We still struggle along, being slowly changed by relying on and being loved by him in spite of ourselves. As we do, we learn about grace and mercy and are more able to extend it to others because it has been given to us. The world is still a hard, cold place, but we learn to live in it with an unshakeable joy and peace in our hearts. That is the blessing… more than finances, relationships, etc… that is the blessing that really matters.

Things are not always as they seem

Most of the time, what appears to be someone striking out to try to hurt me is actually a cry for help. I know this, and yet sometimes I forget. I worry about my own pain and the feelings I am having and forget all about what might be going on with the other person. Now that I know there is more to the story, I want to help, but I doubt that an offer would be received... I want to help, but I'm not sure if my help is what is really needed. I can only pray that whatever is going on, God will protect the innocent ones and help those who need it in the way they need it. If I'm a part of that, I'm sure he'll show me.

Mirror Mirror

Look around
Don’t look in
Don’t want to see
My own sin

Compared to others
I can always find
Someone worse
Set up in my mind

Look around
Don’t look at me
In that mirror
I might see

The truth
Exposed
When all along
I supposed

I’m okay
Because you’re not
A false impression
Is all I’ve got

A prayer for stone cold hearts

The longer and further we walk
Away from God
And all that is pure and good and right
The colder our heart becomes

But it’s never too late
To turn around and walk
Or even run
The other direction

To be welcomed
With arms wide open
Into the loving warmth
That patiently waits

Love that chisels away
At a heart of stone
Carving it into
What it was meant to be

It is my prayer
For stone cold hearts
Projecting pain
Onto those who try to love them

To turn and walk
No… run
Into those waiting arms
Of love

The Monster

The monster is hiding
Waiting to come out
He wants to eat
I will not feed him
Perhaps I will be able
To starve him out

When I least expect it
There he is
Someone is feeding the monster
He is getting stronger
I can take this food from him
Keep him from gaining power

It’s there
Right in front of him
And me
I should throw it away
Down the drain
Never to be fed upon

But sometimes
I leave it there
Just in case
I get hungry too
Bad food
Toxic, poisonous

Get rid of it
And him

He’s been with me for so long
Once I thought he was gone
And then
Vigilance waned
Does he come back
stronger than before?

No
Only his absence
Makes it seem that way
I will keep better watch
This time
My gatekeeper will help

Together
We can defeat him
He shall not come out
And live in comfort
No
He shall not be comfortable at all

The Masquerade

Evil masquerades
Behind a pretty face
Cold snake coiled
Waiting to strike
Watches intended victim
With evil intent
Vulnerability induced
Deceived, seduced

Victim falls
Bite not lethal
Intense unremitting pain
Wounded lives another day
Hope tucked away
Determined to move on
Confront reality
Dismiss uncertainty

Reject temptation
To retaliate
What motivation
Does it bring joy?
So many questions
Answers elude
Thoughts roam
Motive unknown

Let go
Press on
Resolve to trust again
Join the masquerade
Concealed for a while
In anticipation of
Forgiveness healing
Love prevailing

Loving…

Loving and being loved by my children makes me want to…

teach them to have fun and be who they are
share in their triumph, fear, joy and heartache
firmly but gently discipline when they make mistakes
see them grow up into men and women
know all about them

So I will… be a better mom

Loving and being loved by my husband makes me want to…

take part in his hobbies and interests
share his thoughts and dreams
forgive him whenever he does something wrong
encourage him in all he does
know everything about him

So I will… be a better wife

Loving and being loved by my God makes me want to…

learn every thing I can about him
be honest with him about my hopes and fears
talk to him when I make mistakes
trust him and be more like him
know him more every day of my life

So I will… be a better person

Dishonesty, Betrayal, Brokenness, Estrangement, Death

The events of the last week and a half have caused me to see some things I don’t normally think so much about.

I see the effects of a father’s love withheld and realize how fortunate I am to have the love of the Father who will never fail me. I know my own father loves me, but not at all the way I have wanted or needed him to. I am grateful that I can love him regardless of that. I’m thankful to realize that I cannot control what others do, only how I react to what they do. I think about how important it is that all children have the love of a mother and father if at all possible. I am so thankful that with or without it, we have a God who loves us and can fill any void.

I see the effect of dishonesty and betrayal and realize how blessed I am to know that God is the one who makes honest, faithful men and women out of any of us. I am thankful that some who don’t yet know God through his Son, still listen to the Spirit he has given us to guide us. I am thankful that he has shown me forgiveness for my past and because of that I am able to forgive and extend mercy to those who hurt me. I am thankful that because of God’s love for me, I was finally able to recognize someone who is honest and faithful. I am so grateful that even when people do let us down or die, the God I love will carry us through anything as we rely upon him.

Death is the final equalizer. How often do we wait until it’s come around to rethink things? Why do we wait to forgive until it’s too late? How many of us will put off even considering Jesus at all until the very end, when he has the fullness of life ready and waiting for us right now?

Heartbreak and Hope

It’s a tough thing to watch your children go through painful experiences. It’s heartbreaking to see them suffer. It’s frustrating not to be able to fix it. But… it is a blessing to be able to be there for them. It is a blessing that even when you don’t know the right words to say or things to do… that just your presence can be a small comfort. It’s amazing and inspiring to see them handle things with self control and maturity beyond their years… far better than I ever handled anything at that age. It’s a comfort to know that they can trust you and talk to you about anything. It’s wonderful to see glimmers of hope in spite of dark turmoil all around. It fills me with peace, joy and hope to know that God will use even these terrible things for good.

Time

Time is measured by days, weeks or years from one point to another and is calculated by how long it takes for the earth to make a revolution or to complete an orbit around the sun. Time appears to be infinite, but the time we have in this plane of existence definitely is not. No one knows how long it is, but there are a set number of days or years for each of us.

God is not confined by time. For him, a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years is like a day. Time doesn’t matter to him… it doesn’t figure into the equation... and it has little effect on anything in his realm.

Can you imagine? He actually knows what has happened, is happening and will happen. We spend a good majority of our lives concerned with all of this, but God already knows. If time were a line, we are at a point somewhere on that line. The line measures infinitely in front and behind us. We can only see so far behind us and we can only guess at what lies in front of us. God is somewhere outside of this line. He is somewhere so far above it that he can see it in its entirety. In some freaky, otherworldly way, he knows what we will do even before we do it... he knows what will happen before it happens... he could control anything that happens... but in his wisdom and sovereignty chooses not to. Instead, he promises to use it all for our benefit.

Does this mean that our decisions and choices no longer matter? Does this mean that everything is pre-determined? Does this mean we should coast along not worrying about anything because it’s all worked out anyway? That is crazy thinking. Just because God knows how it’s all going to come out does not absolve us of any responsibility for our own actions and decisions. What kind of life would that be? Does it matter that he already knows? The fact that he already knows makes me wonder why on earth he loves me anyway… in spite of all the bad choices and mistakes I’ve made. Knowing that he loves me anyway makes me want to make more good decisions and fewer of the bad.

In the end, there is one decision that matters more than any other… the decision of what to do with his Son... to accept him or reject him. According to God, this choice alone will determine how we spend our ’time’ when the confines of it have been removed… eternity… forever… now that’s a long time.

John 3:36 Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God’s wrath remains on him.

John 14:21 Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him.

A Better Question…

Some would ask… why?

If God is so good, why did he create us with so many faults, problems… even downright evil?

When I think it through, I have to ask what if… what if he created us with the inability to choose right from wrong… good from bad? If we could only make right decisions, would we be what we are? Wouldn’t we be more like puppets on a string? Or robots programmed to do just what our creator wanted? Or would he be like a bad parent, making every decision and controlling us to the point that we never find out who we really are? If that were the case, would we ever know love, joy and peace without hate, sorrow and turmoil? Would we know what it’s like to be free? When I really consider it, I think of a better question.

A better question would be… why?

Why did he give us a choice… and what shows greater love?

All that remains

Love…
Expectant
Dreamy, impractical
Naïve, inexperienced, untested
Always wishing for more

…Disappears

Love…
Committed
Durable, resilient
Honest, trustworthy, enduring
Ready and willing to sacrifice

…Persists

Love…
Romantic
Flirtatious, exciting
Generous, hopeful, refined
Given for the other

…Emerges

Love…
True
Solid, reliable
Lasting, genuine, stable
Faithful through it all

…Remains

Take the Cake

Chocolate cake
Sweet, creamy
Moist, delicious
Can you tell?
Not until
You take
A bite

It might be
Dry, grainy
Soggy
Or worse
How will you
Ever know
Until you
Take
A bite

Jesus Christ
Awesome, wonderful
Love personified
Do you know?
Not until
You meet him
For yourself

He might be
Rude, condemning
Boring
Or worse
How will you
Ever know
Until you
Invite
Him in

Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. - Psalm 34:8

God in a Box

Every time I try to understand or define my God, he comes exploding out of the limitations and the confines of my understanding. I cannot and never will understand his ways… they are so far above mine. I am overwhelmed by his love and not understanding some of his ways will never change that… by the grace of God! Somehow, it doesn't keep me from trying. Lord, help me use my time and energy for something that will further your kingdom instead of trying to figure out how you run it.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding - Proverbs 3:5

Expression

Laughing face
Lovely smile
Mask the pain
All the while
Vacant eyes
Can't tell lies

She left
He played
They laughed
Betrayed

Different friends
Another man
Change of place
Change of plan
Start the cycle
Over again

She tempted
He lied
They're indifferent
You cried

Getting harder
To keep your face
From giving away
The wretchedness
Inside

Broken pieces
Withered dreams
Angry resentment
Why me?

Lashing out
Thrashing in
Cutting pieces of my skin
Can't hurt you
I'll hurt me

Deep need
Love cries
No answer
Heart dies
What is peace?
Why lies?

Love hurts
So deny
Stifle hunger
Live a lie
I'm okay
Without

Can't take
Another day
Maybe try
A different way

Another friend
Some of old
A new guy
or girl
Guarded heart
Look at me
Work of art

Holding back
In reserve
Give little
They don't deserve
Any more

Empty
Incomplete
Unreal
Dead end street

Is there
Real love
To be found?
Looked up
Down
All around

Seek him
And you will find
A love that will
Never
Be unkind

Love real
Love true
Faithful
Unconditional
Never ending

Ultimate
Expression

A Life
Given
For you

For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. - Matthew 7:8

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. - John 3:16

Picture

The picture painted by the media of 'Christianity' isn't very accurate. We need to keep in mind that most of the things we see in the news are usually the worst extremes and not the 'norm'. There are 'worst extremes' in every group of people, but they rarely represent the majority. For example, there are people who want God abolished from the country... there are very few of them, but they shout the loudest... get the most attention... and are, unfortunately, getting their way.

What you see:

Ignorance – Hatred – Bigotry – Intolerance – Superiority – Judgment – Cruelty

Examples: 'Christians' marching with hateful signs, nutcases killing people, interviews with obscure 'experts' instead of true experts on any given subject, fanatics who yell or shout, statements or subject matter taken out of context to make it look fanatical, etc. People who spew hate instead of the love and mercy that Christ gave us and told us to share.

This type of 'news' definitely gets better ratings, but does not give a true representation of people who follow Christ.

What Christianity really is but is rarely portrayed in the media:

Love – Joy – Peace – Kindness – Gentleness – Humility – Self Control

Examples: People helping others, people and organizations caring for widows - orphans - and anyone else who has a need, people praying instead of protesting, victims who forgive instead of seeking vengeance, knowledgeable people who state facts and humbly admit that we don't know everything, people loving and encouraging instead of condemning. People who gently point out sinful behavior and the fact that it will cause harm, admitting that they struggle with sin too, instead of berating and acting like they don't ever sin.

Not the stuff that will draw in the big ratings, but a much more accurate portrait of our dismal attempts to 'be like Jesus.'

Of course there are all kinds of 'Christians', in all kinds of churches, at all different phases of learning, and at all different stages misdirection by their leaders. This makes for a very confusing picture of what Christianity should be. If you want the 'real deal'… take a good look at Jesus Christ.

"...Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father." Jesus in John 14:9

One True Love

I wrote this for my daughters and their friends a while ago. They all got rings that say 'true love waits. ' I thought I'd share it with you.

One True Love

Do you want to wait for your one true love,
the special one chosen by God above?
Or would you rather mess around and play with fire -
flirting with lust, temptation and desire?

Will you give your heart to each guy that comes along,
telling you they love you and it can't be wrong?
If this is what you choose, you will have little more
than a torn and broken heart for the one you long for

Would you like to save yourself for the perfect man?
It won't be easy, but with God's help you can
It starts with Him, no one else is able
to give you the willpower… to keep you stable

Remember He is with you wherever you go
Talk to Him daily and you will know
how much He loves you, how much He cares
how much He is interested in all your affairs

He only has the very best for you in mind
He's the greatest Love you will ever find
He knit you together in your mother's womb
when it comes to your love life, you must presume
that only He can choose the greatest man for you
beyond your wildest dreams, you haven't got a clue!

Seek Him and know Him and someday he may bring
the perfect husband to make your heart sing
But before he gives one who fits you like a glove
He'd like for you to know about His perfect love
It's waiting there for you, just reach out and take it
If you know His love, no one else can fake it

Take Him in your heart, in Him you can confide
He wants to support you and be your guide
He'll help you avoid being led off course,
falling for lies, peer pressure and worse

If you've already fallen and made a big mistake
You need Him even more, for your broken heart's sake
He wants to forgive you and heal your wounds
He's waiting to help you and wants it to be soon

Jesus loves you so much, you are special to Him
Not a shallow love like a fling or a whim
A love so deep that He would die for you
And that's what He did because all along He knew
That in this broken world full of trouble and strife
One day you would need Him and want Him in your life

"I have loved you with an everlasting love…" Jeremiah 31:3